Games for when we are older

[Meathead]

Old Cajun’s Birthday

An old Cajun was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.

“Hello der toes!” he said, “how you are, toes? You know, you 92
today. Oh, de times we’ve had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Them times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, aaaaaaaa-eeeeee! Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello knees,” he continued. “How you are knees? You know you 92 today. Oh de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together, me and you. Happy Birthday, knees!”

Then he looked down at his crotch. “Hello der Pierre! You little booger you!! You know, if you were alive today, you’d be 92.”

[Meathead]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Meathead]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he
gave it to him. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.


Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.


We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."


The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Meathead]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the b*tches."

[Meathead]

A man recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor told him he was doing 'fairly well' for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, the man asked, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," the man replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

The man replied, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't."

The doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

The man said, "No."

The doctor looked at the man and said, "Then why do you even give a sh*t!?"

[Meathead]

Did you know that people tend to tell worse puns as they get older?

That's why we call them groan-ups.

[Meathead]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

[Meathead]

A little old lady with a touch of dementia was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

[luckydog]

One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping that she would be well-cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" They inquired.

"It's pretty nice here." she replied.

Spoiler

"Except they won't let you fart

[Meathead]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[Meathead]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

[Meathead]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

[Meathead]

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle with the lost.

[takethecastle57]

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle with the lost.

Are you trying to tie your thanks and ?

[sparks911]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park
bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) Through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'