The Great PachiTalk "Groan off"

[luckydog]

the Browns were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Brown made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Brown

Spoiler

turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey

[Meathead]

Death of a Legend

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.


The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[luckydog]

What did O.J. Simpson ask when he was found not guilty?

"Thanks, now can I have my glove back?"

[Meathead]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, when she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is...

Spoiler

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[luckydog]

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

Spoiler

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

[Meathead]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

[luckydog]

a policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater."

"How old are you, son?" the officer asked.

"I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch.

Spoiler

"And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen

[Meathead]

A fellow enters a barbershop for a shave. As the barber is lathering him up the man complains, "I never seem to be able to get a close enough shave in the cheek area."

The barber says, "I have just the thing," and produces a small wooden ball from the drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum."

The fellow does so and gets the closest shave he has ever had. Through garbled speech he asks, "But what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," replies the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[luckydog]

10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)



10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

[Meathead]

Two Mexican gentlemen had really tied one on with a few bottles of tequila and woke to find themselves stranded in the middle of the desert with no food, water or transport. They walked for some miles until they dropped to their knees. Realizing they had to keep moving they began to crawl on their hands and knees.

Suddenly one lifted his head.

"Pablo," he croaked, "Can you smell that??"

"I can't smell nothing." whispered his friend through parched, cracked lips.

Juan sniffed the air again. "Pablo, you must be able to smell that - it ees bacon."

"You are loco, Juan! I don't smell no stinkin' bacon. There ees no bacon in the desert!"

Juan crawled towards the peak of the sand dune he was ascending. Finally, after achieving his goal, he peered over the dune. There, in the little valley down below, was a tree, a tree covered in bacon. Slabs of bacon, sliced ribbons of bacon, bacon bones for soup - bacon - smoked, boiled, fried - you name it, there it was.

"Pablo!" he called back to his friend, "Eet ees true! I can see eet. Eet ees a bacon tree! Come on, Amigo, you must try hard to reach eet - we weell be saved!" Sliding over the top of the dune, Juan slipped down the other side and began the long, hard crawl to the bacon tree.

Mumbling to himself "there ees no such theeng as a bacon tree," Pablo nevertheless dragged himself to the top of the dune and, peering over the top, he too saw the tree, the bacon tree. Amazed, and filled with new hope, he started down the dune. He watched as Juan, nearing the tree, gathered his resources and got to his feet.


Stumbling forward, he had almost reached the tree when he was suddenly caught in a deadly cross-fire of rifle bullets. Staggering back towards his friend, he managed to raise his hands and called to Pablo, "'Go back, Amigo! You were right! Thees ees not a bacon tree. Thees ees a ham bush!"

[birdbrain]

X2

[Tulsa]

A dog walks into a bar; sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender serving him says to him, "how's your day been?"

The dog replies, "ruff".

[Tulsa]

A bulldog walks into a bar; sits down and the bartender says, "hey we have a drink named after you."

The bulldog replies, "bruiser?"

[beachcat]

There was an Italian Scientist who wanted to see how far a frog can jump. so he put the frog down and called to the frog." jumppa froggie jump". the frog jumped . He wrote down, " On 4 legs frog jumps 5mm." Then he cut off a leg and placed frog on ground. "Jumppa froggy jump, jumppa froggie jump". frog jumped. Scientist wrote " on three legs frog jumped 4mm" Again he cut off a leg and placed frog down . "Jumppa froggy jump, Jumppa froggy jump". He wrote down "with two legs frog jumped 2mm. The scientist cut off another leg and ran the test. Jumppa froggy jump, Jummpa froggy jump, Jummpa froggy jump." Finally the frog jumped. He wrote down " with one leg frog jumped 1mm". He cut off the last leg. Again he called to the frog, "Jumppa froggy jump, jumppa froggy jump, jumppa froggy jump, Jumppa froggy jump" he wrote down " with no legs froggy is deaf"

[luckydog]

a blond talking to her girlfriend!!

my boss is so clumsy, everytime I go in his office wearing a short skirt he accidently knocks over a can of pens and pencils off his desk.

then I have to bend over and pick them all up!!

her friend says

he just wants to see what color panties your wearing.

the blond said well I fooled him.

Spoiler

I don't wear any

[birdbrain]

WARNING !!! SLIGHTLY BLUE


Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St.. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but
According to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[rubberratt]

Wanna Hear a DIRTY joke...

A white horse fell in the mud.


Wanna hear a clean one...

He took a bath.

[Meathead]

ITALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da honeamoona?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'


So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'


So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

[luckydog]

MEN & WOMEN
ËÝåé ï ðáððïýò óôïí åããïíü
-ÈÝëù íá ìïõ âñåéò Viagra. Ãéá êÜèå ÷Üðé åãþ èá óïõ áöÞíù Ýíá ðåíôï÷ßëéáñï êÜôù áðü ôï ìáîéëÜñé óïõ.
ÐÜåé ëïéðüí ï åããïíüò, âñßóêåé Ýíá Viagra êáé ôï äßíåé óôïí ðáððïý.
Ôçí åðüìåíç ìÝñá êïéôÜåé êÜôù áðü ôï ìáîéëÜñé êáé âëÝðåé üôé Þôáí ôßãêá óôï ðåíôï÷ßëéáñï. Ôá ìåôñÜåé, âëÝðåé üôé åßíáé 55 ÷éëéÜäåò êáé óêÝöôåôáé üôé ï ðáððïýò ôá'÷áóå áðü ôç ÷áñÜ ôïõ êáé óêïñðÜåé ôç óýíôáîç.
ÐÜåé ëïéðüí, ôïí âñßóêåé êáé ôïõ ëÝåé
-Áöïý ñå ðáððïý åßðáìå Ýíá ðåíôï÷ßëéáñï ãéá êÜèå ÷Üðé, ôß Þôáí áõôü ðïõ Ýêáíåò;
-Êïßôáîå, ëÝåé ï ðáððïýò, åãþ Ýíá ðåíôï÷ßëéáñï óïõ Üöçóá, ôá õðüëïéðá åßíáé ôçò ãéáãéÜò óïõ...

The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[Meathead]

______________________________________________________
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."