The Great PachiTalk "Groan off"

[dattia]

Yeah, it's pretty bad when the 'dead baby' jokes start...

[luckydog]

other people are scraping the bottom of the joke barrell!!

I would never do that

[Meathead]

Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokes-model Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.

Spoiler

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

[luckydog]

I've heard he rose again a few days later

[Meathead]

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...



BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...





Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.





BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...





He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly...It was a coffin.





Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.



BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...





He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...



BUMP...BUMP...





BUMP...BUMP...





BUMP...BUMP...





The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...





BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...





BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...





He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.





BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.





BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...





BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.





Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and jumped into his comfy chair.





Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door...





BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...





BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...





BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...





The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges...


The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...

He grabbed a bar of Irish Spring soap and threw it at the coffin... still it came.



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





He grabbed his can of Right Guard deodorant and threw it ...


Still it came...





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came...





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





He grabbed some Robitussin cough medicine and threw it...











The coffin stopped.

[Meathead]

A dying man calls his doctor, priest and lawyer to his deathbed. He gives each of them $10,000 in cash with instructions to place the money in his casket when he dies. "That way," he explains," I'll have a little seed money to get me on my feet and get me started in my afterlife."

A couple of months after the funeral, the priest calls the doctor and lawyer together. "I have to make a confession," says the priest. " This has been weighing on me for a couple of months and I have to get it off of my chest. Remember that $10,000 the old man gave us? Well, we have this homeless shelter at the church, and we ran out of food around the time of the funeral. I took $2,000 from the $10,000 and used to to buy food for the homeless people at the shelter."

The doctor says," I'm glad you brought that up. We have a health clinic for the disadvantaged. When some equipment broke a couple of months ago, we didn't have any money to replace it, so I took $3,000 from the $10,000 and used it to buy the medical equipment for the health clinic."

The lawyer says," I can't believe it! What a bunch of crooks you guys are!"

The priest and the doctor ask the lawyer," Did you put the whole $10,000 in the casket?"

"Not the cash," says the lawyer."But I wrote him a check for the full $10,000!!!"

[Meathead]

Harry & Sam are clams. Although they were best friends, Harry the Clam was a very good clam, and Sam was a very bad clam. In a tragic accident, both clams were killed. Harry, the good clam, went to Heaven. Sam, being a bad clam, went to Hell.

Six months pass. St. Peter was checking up on the newest entrants and had a chance to chat with Harry. "Harry, is everything good for you up here?" he asked.

Harry replied, " Everything is perfect, and I don' t wish to complain, but I really miss by best friend Sam."

St Peter offered " Why don't you get a pass and visit him for a few days?"

Astonished, Harry inquired " How is this possible?"

St Peter smiled "As an angel, you are given a special harp as a passport back into heaven. Just show the Pearly Gatekeeper the harp and you are admitted back in."

Not believing his good fortune, Harry requested the harp, and proceeded down to the pits of Hell to see his old friend Sam.

"Good to see you old friend! How is life in hell?" greeted Harry when he first saw Sam.

" Fantastic! The people are great - and the nightlife, unbelievable! In fact, I own my own disco & night club down here. Want to come see it?" teased Sam.

"Why not, as long as I have my passport harp, what can be the problem?" thought Harry, and off they went.

After a week of reveling at the nightclub, Harry thought it prudent to get back up to heaven. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Harry hollered at the closed gates, " Hey, it's Harry the clam, let me in!"

The gatekeeper replied "Harry, if that's really you, where's your harp?"

"Oh my gosh! " said Harry, and then he sang:

Spoiler

" I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"

[luckydog]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[luckydog]

If you don't this one, I wll post another



A mechanic accidentally swallowed some brake fluid and really liked the taste. Before he knew it, he'd polished off a whole bottle of the stuff. His buddy George caught him sneaking a swig the next day.
"That stuff is dangerous," George said. "You've gotta give it up." "Don't worry," the mechanic said, "I can stop any time I want."

[johntofva]

Some people have really uped their groan counts with this contest... All I can say is WOW!!!

There have been some real groaners. And there have been some pretty darn funny ones too. So minus all the the "Bad" groans, I think this will come as no surpice but the winner is...

[mcknli7]

whos the winner

[johntofva]

Meathead

Our 2008 Groan Champ

So please send me your mailing address, and I will ship out your prize.

But Luckdog put up on heck of a fight!!!

So if you also send me your address I will send you a consolation prize as well.

I would like to thank everyone for playing.

So save all those groaners until next year...

[johntofva]

And with the close of this contest,
it is time for me to go on holiday...
WAHOOOOOOO!!!

The only bad thing. There is no internet
connection where we are staying. So until
24 of Aug. I bid you well.

I will miss all of you until then!!!

[dattia]

WooHoo!!!
It's OVER!!! It's OVER!!!


MEATHEAD

Thanks Johntofva... fun contest...
it just lasted about 12 days too long!

Bad joke overload, but yes, there were a few that had me LMAO!

[luckydog]

I did my worst, but, Meathead couldn't be beat

[Meathead]

Our 2008 Groan Champ

OMG! This is annual???

Thanks, Everyone! especially LD. Two weeks that bordered on insanity. I've worked Graveyard shift these last 2 weeks and insomnia played a big part in this. Hopefully, I will have a decent shift again shortly...

I'm not so sure that a groan count that exceeds your total post count is something to be proud of. What did I start out with, John?

[BigBearSteve]

Congrats Meathead!!

Frankly, I got bored with this about a week ago...

And I think I got carpel tunnel too...

[Sid]

After nearly a year of sitting in the shadow of the USURPER to the throne!!

THE KING IS BACK!!!

[johntofva]

Congratulations!!!