The Great PachiTalk "Groan off" II

[beachcat]

​One morning, three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three Newfies bought just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Albertans. 'Watch and learn,' answered one of the Newfies.All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the three Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please. 'The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Albertans saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Newfies didn't buy even one ticket!' How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Albertan. 'Watch and learn,' answered the three Newfie boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Albertans crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Newfies crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Newfies left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Albertans were hiding.

The Newfie knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.

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[beachcat]

​A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.


"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!

[takethecastle57]

Whats worse than Leporsy and the black death ??

Jay Leno

[beachcat]

​For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
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[beachcat]

​Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?', asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade...'

[takethecastle57]

On a cup of carry out coffee "Caution : Contents are extremely Hot "

[naha13]

An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says, "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back, '"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
______________________________________________________
Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."

[Steve Cebu]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his
family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were
unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some
more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested
and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.

[Card Shark]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Sid]

here's one...

I'm going to shut this thread down tomorrow.

[Steve Cebu]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered,
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every
time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
he never told a lie." Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe
told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

[mxfaiman]

On a cup of carry out coffee "Caution : Contents are extremely Hot "

Thanks for letting me know that TTC. I always wondered why my hands were getting burnt. I have never bothered to read the side of the cup

[JACKSJE4]

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up but it wouldn't make any difference.

[naha13]

Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!! A talking muffin!!!"

[JACKSJE4]

The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my gosh, how did that happen?"
The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my butt."

[Steve Cebu]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them
a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to
catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

[Steve Cebu]

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram
office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof.
Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told
the dog, "There are only nine words here. You
could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no
sense at all."

[naha13]

• Why do cows moo?
• Because their horns don't work.

[takethecastle57]

Darth Jar Jar

[Steve Cebu]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking
that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman
noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman
said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me
to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition...
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from
his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the
young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house."