The Great PachiTalk "Groan off" II

[Card Shark]

Notre Dame needed a new bell ringer. They auditioned many candidates until they got to this hunchbacked, deaf, mute man. They were about to dismiss him when he got up, ran full steam, face first into the bell and produced a perfect tone. He proceeded to ram his face into it repeatedly into the bell with near perfection - perfect tone, and perfect rhythm. They were amazed by this deaf mute hunchback and hired him on the spot.



For many years had no problems, he always was on time, never missed a beat. Unfortunately, one day he slipped while ringing the bells and fell to his death. The police showed up to investigate and asked the clergy some questions, including what was the hunchback's name. No one seemed to know, so someone replied "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

[JACKSJE4]

How do you keep a bunch of Pachi addicts in suspense?

Spoiler

[Card Shark]

Notre Dame needed a new bell ringer. They auditioned many candidates until they got to this hunchbacked, deaf, mute man. They were about to dismiss him when he got up, ran full steam, face first into the bell and produced a perfect tone. He proceeded to ram his face into it repeatedly into the bell with near perfection - perfect tone, and perfect rhythm. They were amazed by this deaf mute hunchback and hired him on the spot.



For many years had no problems, he always was on time, never missed a beat. Unfortunately, one day he slipped while ringing the bells and fell to his death. The police showed up to investigate and asked the clergy some questions, including what was the hunchback's name. No one seemed to know, so someone replied "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

Part 2...

The staff was dismayed that they had lost such a good bell ringer, but had to start looking for a new one. Strangely enough, another deaf mute hunchback showed up and looked EXACTLY like the previous hunchback. He turned out to be the other one's brother.



Again, they weren't sure about hiring a deaf mute hunchback to ring the bells, but he got up, ran full blast into the bell and was just as good as his brother. They hired him and the bells rang perfectly for many years. But as fate would have it, one day while ringing the bells, he slipped and fell to his death. Again the police showed up and asked what the man's name was. They had never thought to ask his name, so someone replied "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".

[beachcat]

• Knock knock.
• Who's there?
• Banana.
• Banana who?
• Knock knock.
• Who's there?
• Banana.
• Banana who?
• Knock knock.
• Who's there?
• Banana.
• Banana who?
• Knock knock.
• Who's there?
• Orange.
• Orange who?
• Spoiler

  Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?

you have to do much better then this to earn these people are being way to nice

[Card Shark]

This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his fly. The bartender says to the pirate, "Pirate, you've got a sterring wheel hanging from your crotch!" And the pirate says, "I know, it's drivin me nuts."

[JACKSJE4]

A man is making a solo parachute jump for the first time, so he's in free fall and his chute doesn't open. He pullls the emergency chute cord and IT doesn't open.
As he's falling he see another man coming UP at him from the ground like a rocket.

As they pass each other the chutist yells "Hey man, you now how to work a parachute?"
and as the other guy shoots past he replies "No, you know how to light a gas barbecue?"

[Card Shark]

How do you top a car?









Tep on the brake, tupid.

[beachcat]

How do you keep a bunch of Pachi addicts in suspense?

Spoiler

you let them know that IT ​is on the way

[JACKSJE4]

What did the cannibal say to his buddy who asked him to stay for supper?








Your sister's legs are AMAZING!!!

[Card Shark]

I heard a joke when I was in Indiana, but I'm not going to tell it now that I'm here in Virginia.


That would be carrying a joke too far.

[naha13]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

[JACKSJE4]

What's 20 feet long and smells like urine?

Spoiler

A conga line in a nursing home.

[mxfaiman]

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Spoiler

Because he was hit by a bus.

______________________________________________________
Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

[Card Shark]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.



"Oh, my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.



After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!



"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"



"No," she replies... you just happened to catch my eye."

[naha13]

So Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan, and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide to make a movie about classical musicians. But they all had to pick a part so Sly goes first and says he wants to be Handel because that's his favorite, Jackie goes next and says he wants to be Mozart because he kicks ass. Then Arnold said, "I'll be Bach"

[Card Shark]

A layed-off dot-com cube monkey who's been out of work for, like, 18 months gets his first job offer--as a school bus driver. Not one to put less than 110% into a job, he goes to the bus yard the day before his first day with twenty cans of paint.



He paints Big Bird, Ernie, Bert, Snuffleupagus, The Count, and even Gordon on his bus. He wants those schoolkids to have the funnest ride of their lives.



His first day begins. At the first stop, two enormously fat fourth grade girls get on. Their names, coincidentally, are Patty and Patty. They sit on either side of the bus to keep it from tipping over.



At the next stop, the school retard gets on. His name is Ross. He sits up front and wets himself.



At the next stop, the fifth grade's bad boy gets on: Lester. The first thing Lester does is grab one of the Patty's homework, takes it to the back seat of the bus and copies it. He then removes his shoes and socks and starts flicking scabs off his feet.



The rest of the day is uneventful.



That evening, the man gets together with other laid-off dot.commers at the local PBR dispensing extablishment. They ask him how his first day of work went, to which he replies:



"Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester cheats, picks his bunions on the Sesame Street bus."

[Steve Cebu]

CAT DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent
such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck
between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to
be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin
to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is
assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
______________________________________________________
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night,
staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly
woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've
got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,
"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[naha13]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Steve Cebu]

It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he
goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they
are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just
go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a
surprise to Bobby, and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and smiles
from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of
the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a
wink for Bobby. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy
Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at
her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!! "

[beachcat]

​
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!