Funny Quotes and Sayings...

[new in town]

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.
Lord Byron

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Sommerset Morgan

You know the speed of light, so
what's the speed of dark?

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
Robert Frost

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
Craig Bruce

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
Anonymous

I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
Ken Dodd

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
J.B. Morton

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink. Anonymous

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Shall I not have intelligence with the earth? Am I not partly leaves and vegetable mould myself.
Henry David Thoreau

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!
Eddie Murphy, Shrek

I found a great way to attract money... work!
Curtis D. Tucker

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.
Holmes

[johntofva]

And

If you always do, what you have always done. You will always be, what you have always done.

I feel more like myself, than I did before.

Wherever you go, there you are.

and a little song:

Rum Rum Rum Rum
Rum is good.
Have you had your Rum today?

Rum Rum Rum Rum
Rum is good.
Will you have some Rum with me?

[slothappy144]

I like the sayings kep them coming! I make a few of these each year.

[cardwwi]

My favorite 1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor

[beachcat]

Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible.

[KimbaWLion]

and Urd Flies on a Vacuum as well as baba yaga... Now that is flexibility!

[derek1960]

Always expect nothing from life.
You wont be disappointed when you get nowt.
Jean.