01PyTypeR#1140 Joke Of The Day!!!

[Sid]

I think Bfree has managed to kidnap 01 and steal his bad jokes..

[bfree]

This is a tough crowd!

[Sid]

hey you got to expect some reaction.. when you try to usurp the king of bad jokes.

you cant expect the crown to be handed over so easily...

[Meathead]

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an
elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of
being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much

[01PyTypeR#1140]

This is a tough crowd!

Keep trying, you'll come across a winner eventually.

Warning!!! Until then the GROANS will surely pile up.

[sailorpatp]

Maria, a Mexican maid, asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Your husband said so...”
Wife: “Oh?”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Your husband did, Senora.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (Really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
SHE GOT THE RAISE.

[derbyboy]

Amazing Story
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again and wrapped its trunk around Peter's shoulders.

Spoiler

Then the elephant stomped his stupid @$$, killing him instantly.

Spoiler

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Sid]

that one is gonna tak you to the 100 mark for sure..

[new in town]

ON THE WAY ! ! !

[01PyTypeR#1140]

Dilbert's Laws Of Work:


A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.


If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.


Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."


Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.


To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.


Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.


If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.


You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.


People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.


If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,


"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"


No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

[Sid]

Dilbert's Laws Of Work:


A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.


If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.


Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."


Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.


To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.


Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.


If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.


You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.


People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.


If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,


"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"


No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

story of my life

[sailorpatp]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie" said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times.

[BigBearSteve]

[Meathead]

From my all-time favorite game show... I wish they would bring it back, but most of the funniest ones are gone now.








Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[luckydog]

finally,some goods ones

[Sid]

has anyone heard from 01!
its been 6 days since his last joke... Im getting worried...

[birdbrain]

i cried over the horseradish one and i don't know why?

[01PyTypeR#1140]

This is Stupid Cat

Read this paragraph. Try to read it with messing up.
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumb cat.
This is blonde cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
* Now go back and read theTHIRD word in each sentence from the top.

[01PyTypeR#1140]

Top 35 Oxymorons

1. Government Worker
2. Legally drunk
3. Exact estimate
4. Act naturally
5. Found missing
6. Resident alien
7. Genuine imitation
8. Airline Food
9. Good grief
10. Government organization
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Small crowd
14. Business ethics
15. Soft rock
16. Butt Head
17. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
19. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
20. "Now, then ..."
21. Passive aggression
22. Clearly misunderstood
23. Peace force
24. Extinct Life
25. Plastic glasses
26. Terribly pleased
27. Computer security
28. Political science
29. Tight slacks
30. Definite maybe
31. Pretty ugly
32. Rap music
33. Working vacation
34. Religious tolerance
35. Microsoft Works
______________________________________________________
Dead?

Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.

[01PyTypeR#1140]

Unhappy Dwarf

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”