01PyTypeR#1140 Joke Of The Day!!!

[Meathead]

What do Jamaicans say when they run out of weed?

Spoiler

"What the hell is that awful music?"

[Meathead]

Did you hear about the suicidal cannibal? When the police broke his door down, he threw up his hands.

[johntofva]

Did you hear about the suicidal cannibal? When the police broke his door down, he threw up his hands.

Are you sure you're not 01?

[Meathead]

Are you sure you're not 01?

I'm doing my best, John. What do you think? It's not easy. Now I realize how much work it is!!!
______________________________________________________
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[dattia]

I'm doing my best, John. What do you think? It's not easy. Now I realize how much work it is!!!
______________________________________________________

See... now that is why I always appreciated 01.

[Meathead]

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

[Meathead]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find an attorney?"

[Meathead]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:

Spoiler

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[birdbrain]

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage -about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some
extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together
with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their
places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed
the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of
the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

[Meathead]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[BigBearSteve]

How do you make a blonde laugh on saturday?





Tell her a joke on wednesday

[Meathead]

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

[Meathead]

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

Spoiler

A mechanic.

[Meathead]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...

Spoiler

"Grandpa,... Go home, you're drunk"

[Meathead]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! . You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[luckydog]

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside

[Meathead]

The owner of the drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the blonde sales girl: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The blonde calmly responds: "Of course you can!, Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

[Meathead]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that t if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[Meathead]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[luckydog]

do they come in different colors???